Sections

Humour

You've probably decided by now that this whole site is just a joke, but this is the page that's meant to be funny (which presumably means it's the only one that isn't). Since my own ability to be funny is, as you've no doubt noticed, somewhat limited this is essentially just a repository for anything that's made me laugh. Things that are relatively short get inserted onto this page (or their own little sub-page if they behave) and right at the end there's a load of links to funny stuff.

Oh and remember, this is just what I find funny - if you're normal enough to have a sense of humour largely inconsistent with mine, don't blame me. You could always get a newspaper and see what's going on in politics and law, that's always good for a laugh.

Jokes

Did you hear the one about the guy who designed a web site with loads of sections for which he didn't have any material?

You did?

Oh.

OK.

Humerous Product Warnings

There are a lot of dangerous products out there and, over the years, manufacturers have learned that it's only polite to inform the customer of the myriad ways in which their new purchase can maim and kill them. In case of reticence on the manufacturers' part, of course, there's always the threat that some enterprising soul will, to use the most internationally appropriate phrase, "sue their ass" (though why you'd want to take legal action against a member of the equus asinus species, I'll never know - probably jealous of their intellectual capacity if most plaintiffs are anything to go by these days).

The insidious creep of progress in the legal world, however, has lead to companies building barricades of warnings, qualifications and clauses around themselves to prevent litigation-happy individuals squeezing every penny out of them because they failed to mention you shouldn't use their chainsaw to perform open-heart surgery. Not that I'm against excessive use of legal force, of course. On the contrary, I wholeheartedly approve of a society where "forgive and forget" isn't a phrase you use in polite company and lawyers have replaced the AA as the fifth emergency service - it serves to reinforce my belief that, if there is a God, (s)he's got some weird sense of humour.

It also leads to manufacturers plastering their products with advice designed to protect us from our own ineptitude (and, in some cases, revealing their own in the process). Some examples of this which I've found humerous are listed below:

On a blanket from Taiwan:

Not to be used as protection from a tornado.

On a helmet-mounted mirror for cyclists in the US:

Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you.

On a Swedish chainsaw:

Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.

On a children's Superman costume:

Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

On a packet of Sunmaid raisins:

Why not try tossing over your favourite breakfast cereal?

In a guide to setting up a computer in the US - inside the box:

To avoid condensation forming, allow the boxes to warm up to room temperature before opening.

On a packet of nuts from a US airline:

Instructions: 1. Open packet. 2. Eat nuts.

On a Sainsbury's peanuts:

WARNING: Contains nuts.

On Nytol sleeping pills:

WARNING: May cause drowsiness.

On a Korean kitchen knife:

WARNING: Keep out of children.

On Tesco's Tiramisu desert, printed on the base:

Do not turn upside down.

On an insect spray from New Zealand:

This product not tested on animals.

On the top of a bottle of milkshake from Britain:

After opening, keep upright.

On coke bottles (in some places):

Open other end.

On some frozen meals:

Serving suggestion: defrost.

Platitudes

A closed mouth gathers no foot

A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility

A little experience often upsets a lot of theory

A man with one watch knows what time it is - a man with two watches is never quite sure

A platitude is simply a truth repeated until people get tired of hearing it

A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets people's attention

Absolutum obsoletum (if it works, it's out of date)

All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous

All is fear in love and war

All things are possible, except for skiing through a revolving door

Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there

Avoid cliches like the plague - they're a dime a dozen

Eschew obfuscation

Those who can, do - those who can't, write the instructions

Birds of a feather flock to a newly washed car

He who foresees calamities suffers them twice over

He who laughs last missed the punch-line

He who laughs, lasts

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again - then quit, there's no point being a damn fool about it

It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose

It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure

It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame

Laugh, and the world ignores you - crying doesn't help either

Misery no longer loves company - now it insists on it

Mistrust first impulses; they are always right

Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth

Quicquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur
[ Whatever is said in latin sounds profound ]

The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon

The only reward of virtue is virtue

There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer

To "er" is human, to "er.. er.. er.." is unforgivable

What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it

When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut

You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular

Humour Links

I'll split this into sections when I've got time, but here's a few sites to keep you chuckling in the meantime.

The Darwin Awards

The ever popular Darwin Awards celebrate those who have done mankind a favour by removing themselves from the gene pool. I try not to find too much humour in other people's stupidity, but some people raise it to an art form...

Humour from uk.d-i-y

Some excerpts from the uk.d-i-y newsgroup which were particularly amusing. Whether you're a DIY fan or not, this site is well worth a look.

www.hwnd.net

This one's a bit geeky, but funny if you know your OS's (hint: if OS is what you think northerners call a horse, you probably won't find this site very funny). You've probably seen half of them before, but most of it's still amusing.

Taglines Galore

For the uninitiated, taglines are those little one-line comments that people sometimes stick on the end of their e-mails. This collection isn't all great, but in a pile this big there's inevitably some gems!

Coffee Quotes

Some somewhat witty taglinesque comments on coffee. I suspect that code monkeys everywhere might identify with these...

Brain Candy

A general humour site with several sections - the Witty Quips section is quite amusing, and there's various links to all kinds of other humour sites too. Worth a visit if you're bored.

If you have any comment or queries, feel free to mail me! If you want to make sure it's private, here's my PGP public key

(Exceptions: all graphics in "Credits" section, web counter graphic)

All your base are belong to us!