On the last day of rest, The Travellers desired to look upon a different land. And so it was that they spake “Let us journey to the fabled realm of Norwich, for lo the legends speak of great castles and rivers of gold, and indeed the sacred book of walks doth impart to us a path that we might tread to better see this realm”. And so it came to pass that they set off upon their trek in search of idyll.
And lo what they discovered was less idyll and more just ill. But I gettest ahead of myself.
As they left fair Cambridge they looked out and saw that sunshine filled the skies. And there was much rejoicing, for it is known from The Texts that walking in sunshine is verily much more pleasant. And they laughed in the faces of the weather oracles for their portents of doom and drizzle had come to naught.
But lo, as they journeyed the skies turned to lead and the air filled with the excretions of the clouds. For they had left the land of Fair, taken a brief detour through the twin kingdoms of Sunny Spells and Scattered Showers, and arrived at last in the realm of Overcast. Or Norwich, as many otherwise knowest it.
This was the First Sign. But The Travellers were filled with hope and journeyed on.
And then didst The Travellers negotiate the shifting maze of Norwich. And verily the one-way system didst cast the wisest into confusion and disarray. And lo the signage was inadequate. But The Travellers didst persist with tenacity [1] and didst make their way at last to The Car Park.
The Car Park was within the domain of the great beast John Lewis and its entrance was hidden. And verily was it decorated with the lore of its endless halls. And deep within the lore lay subtle traps for the unwary, but its font was small and its words too uncountable to read with a line of traffic behind. And the cunning of the beast had hidden the true horror on the back of the open gates whereupon no mortal eyes could discern them.
This was the Second Sign. But The Travellers were filled with anticipation [2] and journeyed on.
And so they did venture forth and assail the trials of Norwich. And there they discovered that the mighty fortress was actually a bit rubbish. And the young ones did roam the streets aimlessly in vast packs as if there was nothing for them to do. And the rivers of gold were due to a printing error on the map.
And lo did The Travellers declare “This is naff! Soddest this for a game of soldiers, We shall tread the path of the sacred book of walks, for the book knows all wonders and shall lead Us to the true glory of Overcast! Er, We mean Norwich!”
And The Travellers did leave the centre of Norwich and set forth upon the path as laid down by the ancients. But one of their number did feel rather queasy and no longer looked upon the path with anticipation.
This was the Third Sign. But The Travellers were filled with determination that they were going to make something of the sodding trip and journeyed on.
But lo the path was also a bit rubbish and the Roman Fort it praised turned out to be a field. And verily there were sheep in the field. But they were as boring as any other sheep. And The Travellers souls became heavy with despair.
And though they stopped in a pub along the way it too suffered the taint of rubbishness that hung heavy in the air of Norwich.
And so it was that they returned to The Car Park with despondancy in their hearts and some sweatiness in their socks. For lo they had ignored The Three Signs.
And then it came to pass that they paid the price for their ignorance. For the gates of The Car Park were barred. And so it was that the sign saying that there was a fifty pound call-out fee to open them was revealed. For the cunning of the beast knows no bounds and he knows he achieves riches not by making it plain that the car park closes at 5:15pm. For verily if the people didst know this they would not leave their car parked there.
So it was that The Travellers had to wait for over an hour under the murky Norwich skies while they waited for someone to come and unlock the gates. And they thought upon their misery and became enlightened.
And they spake thus, “Next time, let us go to Suffolk instead!”.
| [1] | And a quick U-turn in the entrance to Sainsbury’s. |
| [2] | And perhaps a touch of peckishness. |